Brews N News

Some Folks Should Never Drink Coffee

True Story. The background: Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus  of UNH. Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the place. 

Customer: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.

Ian: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk? 

Customer: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.

Ian: Is there more milk or coffee? 

Customer: Oh, definitely more coffee.

Ian: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.

Customer: Just the usual amount of milk.

Ian: A coffee with milk.

Customer: Yes.

Ian: Anything else?

Customer: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?

Ian: We do have decaf.

Customer: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.

Ian: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.

Customer: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?

Ian: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.

Customer: Yes it does.

Ian: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?

Customer: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.

Ian: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk.  No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

Customer: Do you have any bagels?

Vinnie: (who has been listening all along) I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.

Customer: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds.

Vinnie: We're all out, ma'am.

Customer: Well what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)

Vinnie: Those are sesame doughnuts with extra caffeine added.

Customer: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?

Vinnie: No ma'am, cash only.

Customer: What about Visa?

Vinnie: Is that a credit card?

Customer: Well, yes.

Vinnie: Is it cash?

Customer: No.

Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.

Customer: What about checks?

Vinnie: Cash ma'am, nothing else.

Customer: Okay. How much is that?

Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.

Customer: Really?

Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.

Customer: Okay. (proceeds to write a check)

Vinnie: Please leave.

Customer: Why?

Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.

Customer: But what about my coffee?

Vinnie: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first.

The Ethiopian Coffee Ceremony

By Jane M Bell

When exactly the Ethiopian Coffee Ceremony began is still somewhat of a mystery. However, the traditional, elaborate ceremony can still be found taking place even today. The ceremony is much more that just a celebration of coffee. The entire ceremony can last an hour or more among beloved friends and guests of great honor.

The ceremony actually begins long before the guests arrive. The coffee beans used in this tradition are actually grown from the hosts own coffee trees. He will then sun-dry and remove the husks of the coffee beans by hand. The hostess, during the ceremony, will then wash the green coffee beans to remove the tough skin that encases the two beans from each coffee cherry.

The actual ceremony begins by collecting special clay pots used just for this ceremony. The pots are filled with water and warmed by placing them on hot coals from the fire. While the pots warm, the host and guests sit around the fire and converse with each other. The hostess then sprinkles the fire with frankincense, filling the chamber with essence.

The coffee beans are then roasted over the fire on a flat iron griddle. The beans are stirred gently by the hostess as the beans roast. The home grown beans are roasted to a cinnamon brown color. The audible “first pop” then signals the end of the roasting process.

Once roasted, the coffee beans are ground with a pestle and mortar into an extremely fine powder. The coffee powder is blended with cardamom and cinnamon and placed in a clay pot of boiling hot water. The intoxicating aromas of frankincense, coffee, cardamom and cinnamon now fill the room as the coffee brews. The unfiltered coffee is then poured into a 3 oz sized handless vessel and a little sugar is added to the cups.

The majority of the coffee grounds, cardamom, and cinnamon settle to the bottom of the clay brewing pot. As the coffee is enjoyed, the hostess adds more boiling water to the sediment and brews up another round of coffee. This process is repeated once more to complete the coffee ceremony. The honored guests in great appreciation thank their host and hostess and depart.

Astrologically Speaking, What's Your Coffee Preference?

It's time to discover your own personal coffee preference. It's already written in the stars. It's your coffee sign. That's right, your sun and rising sign (or ascendant/personality sign), in combination with your moon placement help form your coffee preferences.

Discover your astrological coffee sign at Koffee Korner - Home for Coffee Connoiseurs.

You Might Be Addicted to Coffee If...

1. You can jumpstart your car without cables
2. Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze
3. You grind coffee beans in your mouth
4. You sleep with your eyes open
5. You channel surf faster without the remote
6. You walk 20 miles on your treadmill before realizing it's not plugged in
7. You get a speeding ticket when you're parked

Tips for Keeping Coffee Fresh

Keeping coffee fresh can be rather tricky. These tips will help you create the perfect cup every time!

• Coffee looses its freshness when it is subjected to air, moisture, heat and light. So, the first step to preserving freshness is to place your beans in an airtight glass or ceramic container. If using glass, choose a dark color like amber or cobalt blue. The second step is to store your container in a cool, dark place.
• Air causes oxidation and make the beans become stale, so be sure to keep your beans covered. Only open the container to remove the beans you need.
• Buy fresh beans and purchase only what you will use within a week (2-3 days is even better!). The general rule of thumb is one pound of coffee will yield 30-40 six-ounce cups.
• Ground coffee loses its freshness faster than whole bean coffee. If you purchase ground coffee, place it into an airtight container immediately after opening the bag.
• Packaging makes a difference in freshness. Purchase beans and ground coffee in a sealed bag, as opposed to bulk. The shelf life of packaged beans is about two years, however, once the coffee is subjected to air, the freshness begins to diminish.
• To freeze or not to freeze, that is a debatable question. Some say to not freeze at all, others say freeze no longer than a month, others say freeze only if you purchase a large quantity that will not be used immediately. The choice is up to you, but if you do freeze place your coffee in an airtight container and use as quickly as possible. Once you remove your coffee from the freezer, you cannot refreeze it. And keep in mind that if moisture is added, such as what happens when freezing, the flavor becomes weaker.

Ten Ways to Recycle Coffee Grounds

I'm always amazed at the information I find online. Today I discovered numerous ways to recycle coffee grounds, along with some rather unusual ideas as well. Enjoy!

1. Mix the grounds with water to provide your houseplants with an "energized" drink. Plants need the nutrients found in coffee grounds, including nitrogen and potassium, both common ingredients in store-bought fertilizer. Using organic grounds will provide a healthier and happier plant environment!
2. Sprinkle used grounds on your outdoor plants.
3. Sprinkle a ring of used grounds around a tree or plantings to deter ants.
4. Use slightly damp grounds on icy steps and sidewalks. The grounds stick to the ice, creating a safer walking surface.
5. Pour a few grounds down your drains to gently scrape the sides of the pipes. Do not use if pipes are already slow draining or clogged. 
6. Use to scrub gunk off surfaces such as grills and greasy pans. Use wet or dry grounds.
7. Keep a container of dried coffee grounds in a shaker near the kitchen sink. Use to scrub strong odors such as fish, garlic and onion, from your hands.
8. Wet your face and scrub with one tablespoon coffee grounds. This is a gentle exfoliating wash for your face.
9. Use steeped grounds and a cotton swab to touch up furniture scratches.
10. Coffee grounds are a great addition to any compost pile. Just throw them into your compost bin, filter and all.

Feel free to add your tips on Recycling Coffee Grounds in the Comments section.

Coffee From the Beginning: Part 2

By Jane M Bell

The goats, goatherds and monks responsible for the discovery of the new stimulant coffee, had no idea of just how popular their find would become. Before the 10th century coffee was commonly found growing wild in Arabia and Abyssinia (today called Ethiopia).

Word spread quickly amongst nomadic tribes of the region. At first the regional peoples would just chew on the bitter coffee leaves and/or eat the sweet fruit of the coffee cherries; seeds and all. They quickly became fond of the stimulating effects of coffee’s caffeine.

The Abyssinian and Arab natives soon invented the first coffee “to go.” Since the beloved coffee trees weren’t always growing in regions were they needed to travel, the creative coffee fans would take the ripe coffee cherries, mash them up and mix them with animal fat. This made a nice energy snack for them to take on their long trips. When not on the road, another way they would enjoy coffee came from crushing and cold brewing the coffee cherries.

Around AD 1000 Arabs discovered how to boil water. This opened up a lot of possibilities for coffee consumption. Tea was made by pouring boiling water over the cherries and leaves. The Fermentation of the coffee cherry pulp resulted in a “coffee” wine. And a sweet beverage called kisher was made by slightly roasting the coffee cherry husk and creating a drink from them.

As a matter of fact, it took some 600 years from Kaldi and his dancing goats for coffee to take on a form that we would find familiar today. Around the 16th century folks started roasting coffee beans. They would then crush them and brew up the coffee in boiling water. Coffee finally had a form that eventually would become common in every corner of the planet!

Coffee From the Beginning: Part 1

By Jane M Bell

Where did all this coffee stuff start anyway?  Hmm...There are many legendary tales about how coffee was discovered.

The most popular legend is of Kaldi, a goatherd from Abyssinian (some legends say he was from Ethiopia). While out faithfully watching his herd on the rocky mountain slopes, Kaldi noticed his typically docile goats had suddenly become extremely active and lively.  Curious and amused by the behavior of his flock, Kaldi investigated what was causing this drastic change in his goats behavior.  After a little observation, Kaldi noticed that the lively goats were eating bright red berries off a near by plant. 

After trying the berries, Kaldi was amazed that he felt uplifted and invigorated.  Kaldi, excited by his new discovery took his find to a local Muslim Holy Man from a Monastery. 

Some legends say the Holy Man feared the berries were "Devil's work" and cast them into the fire to dispose of them.  When the wonderful coffee roasting aroma filled the air he became convinced that this must be "God's work."   Ordering that the beans be rescued from the fire, the beans were mixed with water so that all the monks in the monastery could partake in this "miracle of God!"

Another version of the legend suggests that the Holy Man himself tried the berries.  Although he was not fond of the bitter taste of the berries, he did find himself alert and energetic.  In an effort to improve the flavor of the berries, he roasted the berries, crushed them and boiled them in water. 

It is suggested however, that the actual roasting and boiling of coffee in water didn't start until about AD 1000.  But that is fodder for another post.  Coffee from the Beginning: Part 2